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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.