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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.