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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure