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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Marriage is for quitters
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
You had me at 0 mutual friends