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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch