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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....