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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.