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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin