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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.