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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.