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A wise man once said nothing.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?