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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)