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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.