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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.