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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.