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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.