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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.