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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.