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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."