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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !