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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.