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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.