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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.