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I like the part of the day when food happens.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.