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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.