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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!