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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.