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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?