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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.