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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.