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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: Iām getting laid.....off.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside