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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
You can`t be late until you show up