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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.