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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.