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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.