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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.