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really vry funny
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.