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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.