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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!