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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw