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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.