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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.