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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.