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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.