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In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.