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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
What number SPF blocks people?
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.