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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.