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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.