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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.