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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.