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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.