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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Remember when the world ended last year?
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!