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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.