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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.