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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
The first sign of laziness:
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.