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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)