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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs