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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.