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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.