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I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
The police never think its as funny as I do.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude