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When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!