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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.