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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.