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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.