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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-