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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?