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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.