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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.