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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"