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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.