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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.