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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking