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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.