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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.