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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Honk if you are reading this.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.